she walks, with that staggered rhythm that most adopt when walking briskly with a suitcase. heartbeats getting faster, steps getting slower. anticipating yet avoiding what the next down escalator could hold. to her dismay, yet expectation, it held nothing.

nothing.

I have not finished a book in 4 years. Front to back, finished. So it is no wonder why I feel that there will be a missing piece to my day tomorrow, when I don't pick up this book and get lost in its pages. Tonight, for the first time in 4 years, I finished a book, front to back. and I did it in 6 days.

I think new years resolutions are so terribly misleading. I find it merely impossible to reply to someone with a straight face when they declare their resolution. The faith part is not missing, I have faith in people, and I hope for people, but it is how blind they look when they exuberantly declare "MY new years resolution...", could you get any tackier? If you really wanted to do something why did you wait until new years? and if it's something that means a lot to you and you needed this day and this cliche tradition to do it, then give yourself a little credit and don't fall into that crowd of herd following bimbos by declaring it and thinking anyone is going to think any better of you because you have a resolution. Actually DO something, FINISH something, ACCOMPLISH something, then lets f-ing celebrate!

I am so proud of my accomplishment. For reading, for getting lost in this text, for laying in the park under the sun and taking a hour of my day to dive headfirst into unknown waters. For using my "airplane time" to  come full circle with my newly found obsession; with this book and its teachings. I hope that I read more, I have always hoped this, however I am not one to have a mere second of relaxing time to get lost in a book. I am also far to picky when it comes to what I read to find enough books that I could actually make it through. The smell, the cover, the binding, the pages, the font, the format.. among other things are the factor that go into what I pick up, sit down and spend quality time with. If i don't feel like the book could be loyal to me, like I could be to it, then I simply can't get through it.

As I have praised this book for how great I think it is to many people now, I am not sure others will find the same excitement in it. I read the inside cover, at a time, when reading this fictional but very possibly non-fictional story could have been very damaging to me and my mental stableness. It is no wonder why I waited, contemplated and waited some more on purchasing it and starting it. The time is perfect, everything happens for a reason. <3

to match the pillows i made last week <3

Fulfillment is a lot easier said than done these days. today. today was not fulfilling. i suppose days like today are needed to make tomorrow that much better. but what if there was no tomorrow, would i be happy with what i did today? no. i guess the point makes itself then.

I am confused as to why i wanted so badly to return, there is nothing here for me. I can't keep doing this. It will surely be damaging in the long run. I am already planning my escape. Planning to vanish sooner than later.


thought: its sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew.


I want to be so many things. New things flash into my head everyday. I need to make a master plan on how to successfully be every one of those things.

a trend that seems to be happening consistently is a closeness. a tighter bond that I have ever felt before. An honesty... understanding... openness... an unbreakable tie that only gets tighter as lifes journey kicks into full gear. A ridiculous unconditional love that keeps me sane, keeps me believing, keeps me inspired.

a pessimist is an optimist with experience


profound words from a dove dark chocolate wrapper.

sara bareilles - king of anything

I have a new color scheme, for this new life im living.

..really i do. and i like them. things that happen accidently are always meant to be.



thought:
what would be so great about life if everything went as planned?

___________________________________________________________

Newest connection:

dissect this diagram, so much to be learned, so much to a pondered.

everyday is a new day to fall in love.

did you fall in love today?

i did.

______________________________________________________________

so close to being done.

just 2 sets of 2 black intersecting lines.

i completed lightbulbs too. 4 more painted to add to the existing 4. i have 8 left to paint.

 

to do:

MAP

NECKLACE

QUILT? PILLOWS?

CLOTHES!

VELLUM CHANDIE

so much morrreeeee and so little time offffffff

thats deep..

first impressions aren't always right

you must have faith in people

you must have faith in yourself

erase






replace

the hardest pill to swallow is always the one you have to.

I packed all my paints up, but left my charcoal pencils and watercolor pad to have fun with tonight..

\

then i unpacked some paints.. i love paint. #@(!?@#(*@?!@@$

work in progress. but i dont hate it... i dont love it either.. 

editing is needed here:
after receiving much welcomed and surprising feedback, i revisited what i had wrote last night and realized that what i was thinking when i was writing, is not even close to what comes across in the words of that blog. i normally wouldn't mind so much, everything is up for interpretation, but i do mind here, so i need to clarify...


[I feel alone, alone in a black room, black walls, black floor, black door, no windows. The feeling of helplessness is in full swing. Searching for the colorful, bright, inspiring decor that once was. I remain confused as to why I cannot find it. Knowing it's there, underneath the surface, wishing it would just appear, break out, show itself once again.

..for now I wait, wait for those colors that once inspired me to a degree I never knew was possible, wait for it to reappear or for the light that still stands to finally flicker out, for good.]

this little ditty, is not about me, personally.. it is about events and people who i am no longer interested in, things that once held such inspiration, belief, hope  that have now lost it.  it is about me longing for the bright colors that once showed, the colors that have now faded to black. I long for that inspiration again, i enjoyed it, watching it spread to others, watching it grow so tall, i long for it once more and i fear that it will flicker out, for that is what i see happening and what i want to avoid happening.

and yes i am homesick, and for good reason. but that is not holding me down in any way. Its just the name i gave to the feelings ive been feeling the past few days. silly labels.. always get in the way.

and just like glass.. i see through you..

I feel alone, alone in a black room, black walls, black floor, black door, no windows. The feeling of helplessness is in full swing. Searching for the colorful, bright, inspiring decor that once was. I remain confused as to why I cannot find it. Knowing it's there, underneath the surface, wishing it would just appear, break out, show itself once again.

..for now I wait, wait for those colors that once inspired me to a degree I never knew was possible, wait for it to reappear or for the light that still stands to finally flicker out, for good.

I am never content, never settled. I am always moving, changing, morphing, marinating, observing.

I long to be home, safe, secure. With familiarity. With family, friends... who've got my back. I am homesick, feeling it in its fullest. This is the worst kind though the kind where nothing can make it better expect the embraces that will soon be had.

a horrible picture of my latest love.

only 1/2 done

the other have is still in comic book form,

can't wait to finish it! but it will have to wait at least 4 days..  until im home =)

in this moment..

..i am missing you so.

some of the best things are thought..

..while sitting alone in a ghetto of philadelphia for and hour and a half waiting for a bus to carry you away.

Happiness hit her like a train on a track.

I'm six feet under in rock solid memory.
About to let it settle in, soak into the empty spots that still remain.
I can only hope that it's gentle, for I cannot take a hard hit right now.

I long, I long for what I know.
What no one else knows.
And I feel, more than ever, that I'm not alone.

you should not judge yourself for what you went through
just for what you got out of it.