scribbles..late night jots..read with caution..

its funny how in this moment, a moment where I am the most mentally exhausted I have been in a long time, and I think about the place I wanted oh so badly to be in right now, the environment I was yearning to be apart of, and I think to myself.. WHY? why the hell was it so important to me, it has surely passed through my mind, and now I cannot remember what made it so inciting. the words were spoked, the words i needed to hear to finally be done, to finally be over it, to realize the worth, or lack there of. one moment, one moment for me to step back and see so clearly what i needed. a moment where i spoke words i had been wanting to speak, and words that i immediately wanted to take back, because the second after i spoke them.. they became lies. it just took a few seconds for me to realized it would be different from that moment on.

I took a moment to look at the wooden table before me, covered with papers, numbers, calculator, computers, pencils.. and i think, yes, this is where i belong, am i obsessed with what i am doing right at that very moment?.. no, but it will get to me to a place that I am obsessed with, it will better me as a person, intellectually, mentally, physically.. I feel fulfilled...and i wonder, what do others do to be fulfilled, because I am an observer, a silent onlooker, always making mental notes, always seeing things i probably shouldn't see, and i don't often see a lot of fulfillment going on.. on the everyday basis at least. so i guess my wonder is what i dont see, is there something there that theyre doing.. and what is it?! I want to know, i need to know.. it inspires me... but a lot of the time it is disappointing.. because you realize there is nothing there, and that those people aren't giving themselves full credit for what they can do. why down play yourself.. why? not in this world.. the world of endless possibilities.. the world of peter pan "never say never"

all i know is today was tedious, i am so tired, but i feel accomplished, fulfilled, and so much gratefulness for the newness in my life, the new ideas, thoughts, visions, PEOPLE, places, things.. they are bringing me to an even better place than i was..

thats something i always know.. that things could be better.. it never fails to be proven to me..
although things were AMAZING and then AWFUL they are now EVEN MORE AMAZING.. and this time.. for the first time.. i didn't think things could get any better, but they did, I did, I am better now, a better person in so many ways. so much more grateful in so many ways i never thought possible. I cannot forget my experiences and the reasons i went through them. from the black bottomless hole i was in, to now the happiest brightest best place ever, things just keep getting better. I HAVE WHAT I NEED. i always say that i always want to be afraid, and i was the most afraid i could ever be, because it was myself i was scared of, not another person, MYSELF, my uncontrollable self, that will never leave my mind, much like other visions and words that keep me focused and aware.

bed has never looked so good right now, and I am glad to be back in a moment where i love going to sleep, to let everything settle in my heard, recharge for another endless day, i hated the moments when i feared nighttime, sleep, i feared myself. oh god, i just cant stop thinking about those days now. they got better, things always do, yes, sometimes they need to get worse first.. but they ALWAYS get better.

i love my family, my friends..new, old, inbetween. you have gotten me to where i belong. a place i didnt believe in a couple months ago.. i am at peace with myself.. everything is.. in its right place =)

MORE: scribbles taken from a late night journal entry.

I know who I love, I know who I need, I know who I want. 

I know what I love, I know what I need, I know what I want.

I have who I love, I have who I need, I have who I want.

I do what I love, I do what I need, I do what I want.

accounting hasn't even started yet.. but i can already tell its going to be SO MUCH FUN.

2 weeks to go! =)

independence:
the fact or state of being independent
independent: 
1 free from outside control; not depending on another's authority 
2 not depending on another for livelihood or subsistence
3 not connected with another or with each other; separate


how is one independent? now that I am.. "independent" i am still very so dependent on factors in my life to give me that "independence"


..it really is just a shift from what you're dependent on, there should be no shame in dependancey. in fact, most people pride themselves on being dependable. So if it is a treasure of a characteristic then why be so ashamed to depend on a dependable person or thing?




and alas, one of my favorite quotes, from one of my favorite movies....
"This is just a bit of silliness, really"

in progress...

book status:
library card - check
book on hold at library - check

movie status:
3 new movies checked out from library for the week - check

curiosity and appreciated at an all time high. - check!

Aspirations: 


-getting into galleries & flea markets in philadelphia
-starting AND FINISHING as many paintings/art projects as possible in my last 4 weeks
-starting AND FINISHING this new book I am so intrigued by
-continuing my running loop/track/weight workouts
-keep applying to as many freelance/ whatever jobs/internships I randomly find
-watch as many movies on the never ending of "amazing movies I've never seen" list - starting with some oldies =)
-continue to browse the "free books" bin at local library branch
-minimize the distance that stands between me and those that have hugely affected my life, by making the calls, emails,    texts that will keep us close
-continue to be aware, and thankful, for all of my blessings.. I realize new ones everyday, and I couldn't feel luckier
-keep observing silently, never stop being curious


Hopes:


-to make sure I put my health first, and my well being first, to look at things from the outside
-to not be taken over or overwhelmed
-to not lose what I have built for myself over years of loss, love and exploration and to keep building it, by myself, for myself.

is everything really ever in its right place?

i feel like it is, then i walk a block  & turn a corner (in my head) and bam, realizations hit that i am moving on from a point that i feel so deeply is not right at all. so how can everything be in its right place if the base is not right. i hope time will cure this. i guess i needded these past 15 minutes, i allowed myself to have them, their over, now time to sleep and wake to a new day, a new day to put towards having a "right" base.

random moments on random days ill have compelling moments, thoughts, experiences, conversations, ect. that I'll want to write about or dig deeper into or just create into artwork. i know that i need to wait until bed time to compile everything and write away or think away. lately that time has been all too short. for good reason, I've been so busy, have way way way too much fun, like unhealthy amounts of fun, which is so nice, everything feels in its right place and I'm so thankful for the amazing times I've been having these past 4 weeks, I am at a very different place than I was at 4 weeks ago. and am so proud of my strength, courage and growth, "why go through something if you're not going to feel every part of it"

i have so many aspirations right now, i will dig deep into that list tomorrow..

New Beginnings..

Happy 22 to me.
this birthday was so beautiful. filled with family and friends, old and new.


This past week was filled with so any metaphors for the journey I am currently on. Spontaneous adventures, fresh ideas, new creations. It all ended so perfectly as I toasted with a total stranger and a best friend to our "new beginnings" and strolled the streets of Philly with my two best girls. Moments like these are so rare and we have learned to cherish every last drop of them. As much as we reminisce about being 17 again, we know that those days will only get farther away, and it is our job to lead ourselves on the paths we want and deserve to be on. I am so proud of the women we have become, and the great friends we remain, our bond goes deeper.. it travels through life and death, to the moon and back.

Shutter Island - at any moment you could pause the screen and have a beautiful photograph. that, that is something that is so underachieved by filmmakers I feel. Mr. Scorsese got is so so right. The aesthetics of this film were out of control. There is one scene in particular that I will be searching and searching for prints of. The shocking reds and yellows, the ashes in the air, the embrace and the contrasting walls. I could have stared at it for hours. It is so true that horrible things have their own kind of beauty. Of course the story that was told was shocking and provoking in its twists and turns, but I couldn't help but focus on the visual journey I was brought on. Strange that I watched Alice in Wonderland as well this week, but wasn't compelled by it like I "should" have been. I love being surprised by things...people...myself.

so much photography, painting, art on the way. so excited for it.

FINISHED!

you turned my world right side up.

I have felt so unsettled the last three nights before bed. this is a new revelation. i have been feeling so good, so fulfilled with my days and ready for bed when it came time. this week i have filled each day with lovely things, even better things than the past weeks. so why is it im feeling unsettled and anxious about sleep? i hope this will pass soon.

i have an amazing birthday weekend ahead of me. i need to be well rested!!! =)

i cant sleep.
the last two nights.

there's this one night stuck in my head.
i don't even know how it got there.
so pure, sporadic, comfortable.
it won't go away.
and i'd be a liar if i said i wanted it to.

humph, i suppose i'll hope for sleep tomorrow night.

How I spent Memorial Day.

Thank you to all who served, are serving or are going to serve <3.

I nestled into a nice spot in Fairmount Park along the Schuylkill River. 

and enjoyed a blank canvas and my wonderful easel =)

im going to re-work the top half...but this is it right now..

inspired by:

"Reign on Vegas"

I also got to kill some time inside Anthro...

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

these flowers are on my to-do list. I picked up a free book at the library today, (there was a whole box of them, i don't know why i didn't take the whole thing!),  called "The beauty of Weapons" it's filled with poems from 1972 to 1982. Cant wait to dive into it and pick some moving words to use in whatever piece I make!

^^^^^^^^^^^^

fountains in the city, its going to be a beautiful summer.

I am loving having myself back.

Thank you to those didn't just hear me, those who listened

and know me well enough to know something was serious.

Who let me tell unsettling things to without judgement or disappointment.

I know they were not the easiest things to hear,

and they were not the easiest things to say,

but letting them out released so much fear, confusion and angst. 

I am the luckiest person to have such great, loyal people in my life.

Although Im not 100% myself yet, I'm getting close.

Slowly but Surely.