Revelrous: March 2010

i have never had such a hard time adjusting after a trip abroad. i was literally thrown back into everything in my personal and school life, without a minute to sit and rest and just slowly mentally transition back. i feel so depressed when i wake up, and i dont know why. i have NOTHING to be depressed about. se i think of all the things i should be so grateful for, and then i hate myself even more for feeling like this.. thankfully i was able to talk this over with a professor who feels the same. so that helped in knowing i wasn't going through this strange funk alone. i still hate it though. i think it might be better if i was surrounded by people during the day but the majority of my days are spent alone at the gym, in the cafe or in my room. i feel no motivation to move forward with any of my work. no motivation to try and pick up the pieces from where i left off. its almost like something has died inside me. maybe its because im awaiting a letter from PhilU. telling me if i will be moving there the day after graduation or not. do i even want to go? why cant i just live my life in a studio painting all day...sewing when i want to sew... making things for myself.. learning ceramics and making pottery. creating crazy installations for anthro with Anisa. thats all i want to do. thats it. just art..

i was hoping to run a 5k on april 11th. i have decided in my mind that its not going to happen. i dont have enough time to prepare my body to endure such a thing. my shins and arches are in no shape to be pounding on pavement. i would need to workout for atleast 2 hours a day and i simply dont have the time. running a 5k would be so empowering and would check something off my list that ive wanted to do for so long, but its going to have to wait. there will be plenty more to do after april 11th. i just need some more time to work at it.

5.5 weeks til the show. i want to be completely done in 4 weeks though. im terrified. especially because i cant seem to shake this "i want to be sleeping" attitude.

i wrote in my journal how nice "airplane time" was. its like this little box that im in. filled with nothing but time. i have no where to go. i cant leave the plane. its time where i can watch movies i wanted to see but never had time or money to.. or write.. write my thoughts, or just think.. think the thoughts i havent been able to think while ive been running around, its like a protective field.. being in an airplane, i feel like nothing can harm me, i cant be scared of anything, real life doesnt exist while im thousands of feet in the air. so now that ive landed ive been hit hard with the realities that i had been ignoring for all those hours in the air.

im an emotional person, but this is ridiculous. i cry everyday. at stupid times. i just cry, tears just stream. i feel like i have no one to say this to. everyone is expecting me to gush about my trip, which i want to do, because it was just ...beyond words, but i really just want someone to tell me its okay for feeling like this and that it will be over soon. instead ive just been put down every time i mention that im feeling down, or try to talk about it. so ive just given up on it. it might take a bit longer fighting it internally on my own but i think ill get there. for now.. i just want to go to bed.