keep digging..

i can't rely on my mind.
it is too far gone.
new things become clear daily.
my mind is tired and overworked.
i have spread the responsibility.

i rely solely on my:
eyes to see
hands to feel
heart to know

these are observations, free of words, spoken words. no hearing or listening involved. just silent observations.

i have seen
i have felt
i have known
and still know.

take time to shut your eyes

so you can see beyond

what you can see.

why

did

i

just

do

that

to

myself

?

idiot.

that was probably the stupidest thing i could have done.

im   so   angry.
SO  ANGRY.

the truth hurts.

“Scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue. Realize the strength, move on.”

Henry Rollins

 one more thing i forgot to mention... this wasn't written frantically in my journal but just came to me while reading a text and feeling so much love...


its okay...


                  ...to cry.


                  ...and cry


                    ...and cry.


someone once said this to me, when i was dealing with the loss of someone very special to my life, and although i don't talk to this person anymore, not for any reason, just because life takes you in different directions, it is still one of the best things i've ever been told, and i always appreciate that it came from someone so unexpected...

"what's the point of going through something if you're not going to feel every part of it."

 ...that is the reason why i never hold back tears.

scribbles taken from a late night journal entry.

Its nice..

..to know when youre wrong about something..

an idea
a person
a thought
a question
a need
a want
a moment

..to lose pride and admit when you were wrong, to do what they tell you to do, to rely on something you dont want to rely on but have to rely on.


..to have to be dependent when you want to be independent.

..to be okay with the fact that everyone has an opinion, and that only very few will be in line with reality.

..to know and i mean really know who you can count on.

                        ..yourself.
                        ..your mom.

i have passed through, am still passing through, the darkest point of my life thus far...which is strange because it is also the brightest.

..to know when you need to let go of embarrassment, frustration and confusion and to just let someone listen to you.

..to be able to say the things that you think, the things that no one else should know about, the things that scare you to death, the things that are uncontrollably going through your mind.

                      ..because that really is why I'm still here.

..to be thankful for love, loss and laughter.

I like to be afraid, but not how i was in recent days passed, that kind of afraid was an out of body experience, one that i hope to never revisit. thoughts that i hope to never let pass through my mind again. visions that i hope to never imagine again.

..to realize when things are serious.

..to have a new found understanding for people that I've always been fascinated by and judgmental of.

..to be okay. to feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

..to trust a stranger.

..to squeeze the lemon dry.

..to secretly wish for something more.

..to burn the white flag.

..to explore alone.

..to find again your love of being alone.

..to not meet a built up expectation..and to be okay with it, because an expectation is as good as an assumption.

..to have fallen in love, in 10 minutes, with the married coffee shop man..annnnd the parisian crepe man. (who will forever have my heart.)

..to be 21, almost 22, and go to bed at 10.

..to choose to take summer classes, to work your brain dry and to not think twice about doing it because of all the fun things your missing out on.

..to feel fulfilled at the end of each and every day. <3

And that's just the tip of the iceberg
I'll do whatever it takes...

life is too short to take time between journeys, so i cannot be mad that my new one is happening so quickly.

I fell asleep last night with this lyric in my head..

And laugh out loud as I'm beaming from ear to ear
I'd rather pick flowers instead of fights

I have 7 days before me.. I am going to fill them with the most love and laughter that I possibly can.

Recent Adventures

Kayaking on the Charles =)

Kind people who leave water for those parched kayakers! 

Julie and I took out a double kayak this time.

Some fun animals in the woods. Oh and and Indian too!

BOSTON ADVENTURES WITH EMILY!

Food First..

Tonight we went to a Crepiere in Coolidge Corner...

SO SO SO SO SO GOOD!

Then walked Newbury, up to Park street, over to Faneuil Hall

and down to Hanover St/North End...which brings us to..

MIKES PASTRY!

Raspberry Bowtie.. Yum!

Canoli.. YUM YUMMMMM

PREPARE FOR AN AMAZING WINDOW DISPLAY...

BEAUTIFUL MACHINES!!! =)

awesome lighting inside.. i want this in my studio.

DID ANYONE HAVE THESE GROWING UP!?!?!??!?!?!??! I DID!! I DID!!

I have never been proud of myself before. never REALLY proud of myself. that feeling is so so overwhelming and i am so lucky and happy to have felt it. to feel so accomplished, for what I did, with direction from many inspiring people. I made everything happen, all ME all MY work. that is something I am so glad to have experienced and to have accomplished.


Philadelphia brings so much promise. Promise of NEW. NEW NEW NEW. I am so ready to grab it all and RUN RUN RUN.


It has been quite an adjustment to lay in bed for an hour or so, before actually going to sleep, watching tv, reading, editing photos, ect. to have TIME to do WHATEVER I want. I am someone who always needs to be busy, so my plan for the day always get thrown off by my need to make plans and see people, because i know what would happen if I was in my room alone packing ALL day, people drive me, inspire me, fill me with ideas, visions, curiosities. I get trapped in my own head way to easy if I am not with people, learning from their lives, actions, words, ect. I thrive on it. 


I always form a vision of what I am about to embark on.. a picture of what my room will look like, what the classrooms will look like, my street, ect. I always make up visions and sequences in my head, of how things will go, or how I will feel. I am filled with wonderment of what my new journey will hold. WHO i will meet, WHAT i will do, HOW i will adjust. all so scary, but so exciting. at moments i wish so badly that i could go home, and relax, and be comfortable.. comfortable because i know whats around me. but as I said in a post a while ago, the unknown is so exciting, it's so exhilarating and I am ready to welcome it into my life.


xo


.

i am still lost.

in 11 days I will be graduating college and moving to a new city. in 12 days I will be starting classes, all over again. as if graduating isn't enough to handle.. how could i not be lost?

May 1st, 2010 is a day that I have been anticipating since my first year at Lasell in 2006. I still cannot believe it is over. Having free time is a new concept and I'm trying to fill it with as much as possible, although sometimes it ends up being long naps, which is okay because I have yet to make up for all the lost sleep this past weekend.

Aside from my nausea and dazed look the entire day, the show went as good as I could have ever imagined it would. I was fully prepared to tackle every aspect of it and couldn't be happier for all the hard work I put in early on because it made it that much easier for me. My models we're not on time.. they we're early, and so willing to do what ever I needed them to, everyone made my day so smooth. There was so much chaos going on behind my back, that was all taken care of without me knowing until two days later, and I was shocked, because I normally catch on, but I was so focused on what I was doing I didn't have time to look around. There's no doubt in my mind that I had some very amazing people watching over me that day.

I have a crazy bucket of flowers, filled with so much love and support, they have been keeping me company, as I have no sewing or pattern making to do that anymore. This room has only gotten bigger and more empty since the show, so filling it with lively flowers has been a blessing.

The thought of tomorrow is killing me, my mental strength is at an all time low. I could really use a wish right now.

everything is all too intense right now.
im not sure how to deal with it. im lost.