breathe. im organized, i have reliable models, best friends, and loads of support and i have been guided by amazing mentors. everything is going to be fine. 




I want to change the world
Instead I sleep
I want to believe in more than you and me

But all that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing now

i am craving to be at the gym again.. on a regular basis. hopefully back to my 8:30-10 routine, ahh thats the best! who knows... life is about to get all kinds of crazy, thank goodness i have 2 weeks to prepare.

i know what i want/should feel, but again, when i'm caught in the undertow, its hard to follow my mind and not my heart, and at this very time, i really want to follow my heart, do what's natural and feels right, my mind tells me to do the logical thing, but it doesn't feel as natural and right as what my heart is screaming. for now, i will keep treading water, hoping to surface soon.

Only hours are left at this point.

I need to get some sleep tonight because once Marissa shows up tomorrow and Lynds, the ridiculous tranny mess isn't going to be over until sunday night. =)

I already feel like im going to vomit when i think about cuing each model to walk, and pushing myself over the cliff and walking out at the end. (#@)&(#$@)(#*$(#!@$!)@# i dont do well in these situations, i hate the attention. I just want to show my work, and not have the spotlight pointed at me. i hope i can hold it together. 

there is no way to explain it. it just is. i am glad it is, because it is getting me to the place where i need to be,  even though i might not want to be there.

bumped into a friend yesterday: "Erin!" she says with a smile. "We were just talking about how wonderful you are!" ......that will carry me through.

As much as we all want this time to be over, the late nights, no sleep, drinking absurd amounts of coffee and soda, eating so poorly. I don't think any of us want all this time we have to spend together to be over. This time is so precious, because it will soon be over, there will be no more late, sleepless nights in Yamawaki, and that is so hard to grasp onto.

I take out my fears of graduating and "growing up" onto other people, really grasping onto them for safety and comfort, especially when they're providing the attention needed to divert my mind from such things. Thanks for the dopamine overdose, hopefully I have learned from it.

im curious. so so curious. and am expecting what i always expect. so it will be interesting to see what happens. i hope its different. but deep down i don't think it will be. ....we'll see.

2:00AM, Tuesday, April 27th

i stood at the ironing board, and looked down at what i was pressing. a moment of disbelief swarmed my body. this is it, my line is made, only small details remain. all i can recall is constantly thinking, how am i going to do it, what will i make, how will it all turn out. now all these questions are obsolete, everything is done. and it all just happened, it happened while i was too busy worrying about other things.

it has been quite a journey trying to tame the thoughts, and feelings that have filled my head in the past few months.  it has not been easy, especially lately. i lose it sometimes, and i know when and why, i can feel it coming, but while im "in it" i know theres a way out i just cant see the way out. i feel like im stuck in an undertow and i cant find the surface, i know i have to wait for the water to calm, but while im underwater i cant help but thrash around causing commotion and stirring things up. thats exactly how i feel ive acted recently and i know i will act again like that again, for the mere fact that ive never been in an undertow before and im not sure how to get out. and although i am ashamed of doing so, i know that in time i will be fine, back on the sand, alone but safe.



4 days..

all we can do is keep breathing..

nerves have set in.

after attending the graphic design senior show today everything became so real.

i am prepared, but still nervous, everything wont be FINAL until saturday when all my clothes are on human bodies and hair and make up is done. this makes me very anxious. anxious to know what its all going to actually look like and if i can make it match the visions in my head.

in only 6 days, 700+ people will be packed into that gym. i don't like being the center of attention and i surely will be when i walk out on stage after my collection is presented. i need to just breathe and be calm.

Today...

Some fun..

some work..

One Down

amusing. comical really. thanks for the laugh. its funny how three different moments today led to one specific feeling and realization. hence an earlier post. thoughts and feelings are triggered and emotions are let out through therapy that I call this blog. the small dose of human therapy on friday was amazing, I crave more, however this will have to do. i love that i can use this to release things and move on from them. 

 -------------------------------------------------------------------

People inspire me. The passion in others is what some times drives me the most.

I love theater, and haven't been in so long. One Down was a great show, I loved it, and wish I could see it again and again.

I am glad that I worked so hard on my collection for so long, to be able to take time out for myself right now, instead of being a stress ball. I havent had to work this weekend... or next. and having free time to do whatever I wish, is just amazing. of course im still sewing late night but I get to enjoy the day, enjoy the hours that I would be at work. Ive gotten to spend time in Boston, sort of saying goodbye, taking in the last bit of it before I depart. It has been much needed "self" time. I will be seeing more theater this coming week and will most likely get to spend it with people who love it just as much as I do.

xo.

tomorrow:

running.

sewing.

painting

BECKI!?

eating.

sewing.

...in some sort of order.

3:31AM, Sunday, April 25th

Fulfilled and fulfilling.

I have yet to meet a guy thats not at least a little bit of an asshole. i dare you to prove me wrong.



Just the same as the last time
Annie says
"you see this is why id rather be alone"
and so
annie waits, annie waits, annie waits

for a call

from a friend.

2:45AM, Saturday, April 24th

today:
sleep.
therapy.
boston.
drinks.

as i drove along the charles, on storrow drive, as ive done many many times before, i felt my first bit of sadness for the city i am about to leave behind. it really is beautiful and held my hand through a beautiful time in my college life, and helped me move forward from that time.

as i drove away, it hit me, Van hit me. as weird as that is, it always hits me at the strangest times. severe heartache sets in when i think about how its the last time ill probably drive out of boston, for now, it will still be there when i come back, but Van is not still here, there wont ever be another time with him. It still doesnt seem real, im not sure when it will hit. Its very different than how I deal with Lexy's death, maybe its just because its been almost 6 years and ive moved forward, but with Van only being a year, i still hold disbelief.

at the end of the day, i know i only have myself, myself to count on for happiness. life is what you make it. the last 4 months have thrown so many things my way, so many new things, new, stressful, emotional, incredible things. today i heard admiring words... that made me so grateful for the good head i have on my shoulders, that i can see what i want, what i need, and pursue it. i havent felt very good about myself in the past few weeks, i know exactly why, and im so glad to have someone tell me how well ive handled everything, because graduating from college alone is enough to handle, not to mention all the other areas of life that were being pulled in different directions. i tried to keep composure and failed a few times, and i felt like a failure, and because i wasn't getting the support i need, from where i thought i needed it, i felt even worse, and worse every time. its good to know that if im not happy i know what needs to be done, i might put myself through more heartache than needed at times but im glad to know ive got my own back. its once again been proven just how true that is.

7 days.. 7 days until its all over. unbelievable. i cannot wait to see every single person who is coming to support me. its really overwhelming when i think about it. i am so lucky. =)

xo

tomorrow:
gym.
sewing.
THEATER!
sewing.

3:11AM, Thursday, April 22nd

recent: there is something so soothing about reading a book to a 6 year old as he tries to hide the fact that his eyelids are drooping...pulling up the covers to his chin and quietly closing the door, leaving it ajar just enough to be able to peer in later.




my collection was reviewed today. i laid out all 8 looks, 21 pieces total, and for the first time had a visual of the WHOLE collection. now all thats left ahead of me is hours upon hours of tedious work, going through each piece and finishing up all the little details.

OH HI!

JIMMY!

Mid-creation.

3:30 AM Wednesday April 21st

First and foremost. A moment for Lexy. She would have been 22 today. I'm not sure if my heart will ever heal from this loss, but it has moved forward with life and brought her inspiration into every aspect. So the birds started chirping at 3, and today I'm not mad. I'll just pretend its her, singing me to sleep, bringing me into this next stressful, exhausting day with a good attitude and a heart and mind full of love and laughter. <3 LS



Yesterday I realized why I love art so much. I have such a nurturing/motherly side to me, and my artwork and well, anything I create is like a baby, I mold it and form it. There's so much patience involved, and understanding when its not going the way you want, but in the end its the care and love you put into it with your hands that make it what it is. I love being there every step of the way, watching it evolve into the next stage. I haven't posted any art in a while, but I have a painting and two pastel portraits that Im working on that are in the beginning stage, where they're not so attractive and need lots of care to get them to where they're going. I love pouring love into them, I really feel like artwork shows your emotions, if you are dull and damper then thats what's going to pour out onto the canvas, every move of your finger or brush or pen is moved by the emotions your conveying. I love when I get to spend alone time painting, and just release so much into each brush stroke.  


Last night I made of one my favorite pieces in my collection. It came so organically too, I had no idea what I was going to make, then with some discussion of style lines and design decisions, I was given the confidence to go with my gut and just do it. I love every stitch of what I made.. and that is SO RARE.


Today was..I dont even know what today was. Mainly filled with heartache. It was a weak day for sure. Ended with laughter and productivity....and hopefully nothing but sleep after this post.


A friend showed me this song.. she knew that I would like it.. how did she know I needed it after today.. how? 


Look to the clock on the wall
Hands hardly moving at all
I can't stand the state that I'm in
Sometimes it feels like the wall's closing in

Oh Lord what can I say
I'm so sad since you went away
Time time tickin' on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Lord what can I say

Try and burn my troubles away
Drown my sorrow the same way
It seems no matter how hard I try
It feels like there's something just missing inside

Oh Lord what can I say
I'm so sad since you went away
Time time tickin' on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Lord what can I say
Oh Lord what can I say

How many rules can I break
How many lies can I make
How many roads must I turn
To find me a place where the bridge hasn't burned

you made me feel. shiny and new.

all the dust settles at this time every day for me.
and i hate it and i know its coming. always. i just want to snap my fingers and be blowing through REM cycles. but no, i always have to face this. THIS.

the hurricane ill never out run.
i could wait around for the dust to still.
but i dont believe that it ever will.

all things considered..

..patience might kill me.
..the motions made have made me sick.
..all is not fair in love and war.
..my heart is too big for my body.
..the entanglement in my head is throbbing.




my day was great. thank you for asking.
ran from the indians at 11.
traveled the world in my head on 16.
said goodbyes at 2255.
and shed some small heartache in 3.

Accepted to Philadelphia University

my first instinct was to throw up. which is perfect, because that means fear exists, and I always want to be afraid of what im taking on. and i am. scared shitless actually.

screaming on the phone for 5 minutes with Lynds helped that a bit. haha. what a nice perk to be only miles away from her again.

its a HUGE step. and one im going into completely blind. first mountain to climb is an 8 week business program. yeah, business, no fashion, no art...charcoal..paint., no glue or glitter or fabric or zippers. just business.

well.... bring it on.

all you can do is...

go into tomorrow correcting the mistakes you made today.

8PM, Thursday, April 15th, 2010

Acceptance into the 8 week Summer Business Bridge program at PhilU, still waiting to hear about the MS. Which will make all the difference.

The reality of moving.. in a month, to a new city, new people, new smells, new sights and sounds, new tastes, new ambitions, new worries.. is all so exciting. I hope that Philadelphia will let me love it as much as I'd like to. It brings so much hope and light and energy. and it brings a closeness with a best friend that I have longed for years to have again. which is probably the best added bonus i could ever ask for.

Home, is still home. It really never gets old. Going home is just, the best, the best thing ever. Its a huge safety net. A familiar place, where everything is known, nothing is unknown. Which is also the reason to leave.. to find the unknown and make it known, to move on to another unknown..

2 weeks and 2 days until the show. My stomach turns as I write that. The show just keeps getting more real everyday. Ive seen it all go down before, but never had I put myself in the place of the nervous, excited, anxious, frantic designer backstage, giving the models their cue, and hitting the spotlight once it was all over. Those 3 minutes, that go by like 3 seconds. The fact that that will be me, and those 3 seconds will be mine, is becoming all to real.

I will be fine. Everything will be fine. Im at a good place, I have good hard working people to surround me and encourage me, and re-assure me that my menswear jacket, that i hate, looks great. I am getting more resilient each day, and i see just how much i have changed in not only 4 years, but 4 months.

3:30 AM SUNDAY APRIL 11th

as of late: working late hours, getting bits and pieces done, some big chunks here and there. crossing things off the list everyday.

anxieties: no letter yet, graduating before i even realize that im a senior, wondering where my last semester went, not photographing enough, not running enough.. any more, not saying thank you enough... to EVERYONE who is coming out to my show and who supports me every day with little doses or encouragement and love.. it means more than i can express. i am afraid i will never know what i want to do with my life. and i mean NEVER. scary. life is scary.

realizations: being independent, relying on only myself will never go out of style, i want to grow everyday.

gratitudes: this time last year i was sick, i didnt know why, and i continued to be sick for months and on medications for months, im glad its over, and am glad i am healthy through this stressful time. for the new faces and voices in my life.

frustrations: you cant always get what you want, sometimes you have to just let things go, no matter how much effort you put in, or want to put in, somethings just cant happen. deal with it.

hopes: for the image in my head to be conveyed and executed as well as it can be. to feel good about what i show and to not hate every stitch of it because of all the mistakes. its my first time making a line, there will be mistakes. again, deal with it. that i will be able to sleep right now.

Well the truth it fell so heavy
Like a hammer through the room

some hair pieces for my line.

My phone has battery life for way too long these days...