2:45AM, Saturday, April 24th

today:
sleep.
therapy.
boston.
drinks.

as i drove along the charles, on storrow drive, as ive done many many times before, i felt my first bit of sadness for the city i am about to leave behind. it really is beautiful and held my hand through a beautiful time in my college life, and helped me move forward from that time.

as i drove away, it hit me, Van hit me. as weird as that is, it always hits me at the strangest times. severe heartache sets in when i think about how its the last time ill probably drive out of boston, for now, it will still be there when i come back, but Van is not still here, there wont ever be another time with him. It still doesnt seem real, im not sure when it will hit. Its very different than how I deal with Lexy's death, maybe its just because its been almost 6 years and ive moved forward, but with Van only being a year, i still hold disbelief.

at the end of the day, i know i only have myself, myself to count on for happiness. life is what you make it. the last 4 months have thrown so many things my way, so many new things, new, stressful, emotional, incredible things. today i heard admiring words... that made me so grateful for the good head i have on my shoulders, that i can see what i want, what i need, and pursue it. i havent felt very good about myself in the past few weeks, i know exactly why, and im so glad to have someone tell me how well ive handled everything, because graduating from college alone is enough to handle, not to mention all the other areas of life that were being pulled in different directions. i tried to keep composure and failed a few times, and i felt like a failure, and because i wasn't getting the support i need, from where i thought i needed it, i felt even worse, and worse every time. its good to know that if im not happy i know what needs to be done, i might put myself through more heartache than needed at times but im glad to know ive got my own back. its once again been proven just how true that is.

7 days.. 7 days until its all over. unbelievable. i cannot wait to see every single person who is coming to support me. its really overwhelming when i think about it. i am so lucky. =)

xo

tomorrow:
gym.
sewing.
THEATER!
sewing.