Erinpitts.tumblr.com

Erinpitts.tumblr.com

Banana Bread batter!!!!

WITH CHOCOLATE CHIPS!!!!!!

YUUUUUMMMMM!!!

the steady hum
of lonesome days
a constant dawn
an endless dusk
a rush of choas
flowing smooth
long awaits
a painted rouge.

the steady hum
of lonesome days
a constant dawn
an endless dusk
a rush of choas
flowing smooth
long awaits
a painted rouge.

the steady hum
of lonesome days
a constant dawn
an endless dusk
a rush of choas
flowing smooth
long awaits
a painted rouge.

Aching Heart

My unconscious mind filters things much quicker that my conscious mind ever could. It brings me to states where I feel unsettled, helpless, unsure.

I feel so guilty sometimes. Two different explanations. I got so lucky in life. I've lost people, had heartache, as most people have, but I've been given every opportunity I could ever want, I've been given the option to do whatever it is I want to do. Never been thrown on the street and told to fend for myself. Not always understood but always pushed to the next thing. Without question of "how" that next thing will happen. Why do I deserve to not worry about the "how"?

I am in a new city and loving it more and more each day. I am challenging myself, accomplishing goals and finally making old wishes come true. How can I do all this when people I love are suffering, when people I love are far.. and moving farther, when all I can think about right now is that I'd give it all up just to see lost loved ones one more time.

Im not sure how to cross back over the fence at this point. I am not normally missing home like this, my last dose of reality has probably worn off, maybe I'm due for another prescription. Normally I'm using peoples lifestyles, adventures and tragedies as motivators to push me to live my dream. My existence in this moment is all thanks to the ones I've loved and lost, I need to get on the other side.. "where the grass is greener"

Nostalgia

Tonight I have a deep yearning to be home. To wake up to my mom cooking brunch.. To fall asleep on the couch with the white noise of football in the distance.. To drive around town with people who know me better than I know myself..

It's hard feeling this way, because I already anticipate the feelings I know will come when I'm home.. The need to get away.. To find inspiration.. To grow and become the woman I want to be.. To not fall into the routine.. To not fall for things that cannot be..


But for now. for however long I'm going to lie awake for. I'll miss it whole heartedly..the good and the bad.

A blurry, chaotic, tangled, vicious dream.. a wavering mind and body.

Sad eyes, heavy heart, twisted thoughts.

Unsettled.

Life's mysteries and tragic events. It's never fair.

Photoshoot in Manayunk, Philadelphia

Check out

imagesbybeckimartin.blogspot.com

for more from the shoot.

sometimes the only thing you can hold onto is your imagination. it is alive all the time. when awake, when asleep. it carries us through. some stronger than others, more potent, more reckless. i feel the only way to stay sane is to find the inspiration, inject it into your flowing stream of endless thinking, and spit out something fresh, something pure, unadulterated. don't ask why, "why" always gets in the way, just do. don't ask, don't question.

new goal:

to finish the book i am reading and the 3 other books i have left before the end of 2010.

i can, i can, i can, i can, i can, i can, i can.

________________________________________________________________


i have been proven right, over and over and over again.
there is evidence that i'm wrong. however that evidence is not in my atmosphere.
until it is, i don't believe it.
please, prove me wrong, once again, i dare you.

storms a brewin'

yeah, this is directly related. personal.

dissect as you will.

Finally some sewing...

insomnia showed up uninvited this week.

the haunting breeze always seems to swoop right in. bringing tales of revisiting unwanted lands. bringing light to recent events that have had opening night in wonderland but not in this land. events...conversations.. that will be cherished if the curtain call shows up ahead of schedule.

sing me to sleep.

______________________________________________________________

the thoughts that wanted to intrude, did, in a moment that

deserved to be pure and filtered from such infections.

_____________________________________________________________

this new atmosphere brings new light and space.

light to see and space to grow.

the wheels are have already hit the ground.

and are running. fast.

______________________________________________________________

there is no end in sight

the start is concrete and focused

with a tight grip on time spent

slipping away.

New Home

New Art

done.
all set.
over it.
ready.

its seems like a steady cycle.
a consistent one as well.
anticipation kicks in.
instigation's are had.
(the ones necessary for a sudden urgency)
my mind is made up.

i want out.
i'm tapping out.
i'm folding.
i'm gone.

this could be all lies.
those little things that seem monumental.
take over the monumental things that seem little.
its a very deceiving light.
one not easily found in the dark.

she walks, with that staggered rhythm that most adopt when walking briskly with a suitcase. heartbeats getting faster, steps getting slower. anticipating yet avoiding what the next down escalator could hold. to her dismay, yet expectation, it held nothing.

nothing.

I have not finished a book in 4 years. Front to back, finished. So it is no wonder why I feel that there will be a missing piece to my day tomorrow, when I don't pick up this book and get lost in its pages. Tonight, for the first time in 4 years, I finished a book, front to back. and I did it in 6 days.

I think new years resolutions are so terribly misleading. I find it merely impossible to reply to someone with a straight face when they declare their resolution. The faith part is not missing, I have faith in people, and I hope for people, but it is how blind they look when they exuberantly declare "MY new years resolution...", could you get any tackier? If you really wanted to do something why did you wait until new years? and if it's something that means a lot to you and you needed this day and this cliche tradition to do it, then give yourself a little credit and don't fall into that crowd of herd following bimbos by declaring it and thinking anyone is going to think any better of you because you have a resolution. Actually DO something, FINISH something, ACCOMPLISH something, then lets f-ing celebrate!

I am so proud of my accomplishment. For reading, for getting lost in this text, for laying in the park under the sun and taking a hour of my day to dive headfirst into unknown waters. For using my "airplane time" to  come full circle with my newly found obsession; with this book and its teachings. I hope that I read more, I have always hoped this, however I am not one to have a mere second of relaxing time to get lost in a book. I am also far to picky when it comes to what I read to find enough books that I could actually make it through. The smell, the cover, the binding, the pages, the font, the format.. among other things are the factor that go into what I pick up, sit down and spend quality time with. If i don't feel like the book could be loyal to me, like I could be to it, then I simply can't get through it.

As I have praised this book for how great I think it is to many people now, I am not sure others will find the same excitement in it. I read the inside cover, at a time, when reading this fictional but very possibly non-fictional story could have been very damaging to me and my mental stableness. It is no wonder why I waited, contemplated and waited some more on purchasing it and starting it. The time is perfect, everything happens for a reason. <3

to match the pillows i made last week <3

Fulfillment is a lot easier said than done these days. today. today was not fulfilling. i suppose days like today are needed to make tomorrow that much better. but what if there was no tomorrow, would i be happy with what i did today? no. i guess the point makes itself then.

I am confused as to why i wanted so badly to return, there is nothing here for me. I can't keep doing this. It will surely be damaging in the long run. I am already planning my escape. Planning to vanish sooner than later.


thought: its sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew.


I want to be so many things. New things flash into my head everyday. I need to make a master plan on how to successfully be every one of those things.

a trend that seems to be happening consistently is a closeness. a tighter bond that I have ever felt before. An honesty... understanding... openness... an unbreakable tie that only gets tighter as lifes journey kicks into full gear. A ridiculous unconditional love that keeps me sane, keeps me believing, keeps me inspired.

a pessimist is an optimist with experience


profound words from a dove dark chocolate wrapper.

sara bareilles - king of anything

I have a new color scheme, for this new life im living.

..really i do. and i like them. things that happen accidently are always meant to be.



thought:
what would be so great about life if everything went as planned?

___________________________________________________________

Newest connection:

dissect this diagram, so much to be learned, so much to a pondered.

everyday is a new day to fall in love.

did you fall in love today?

i did.

______________________________________________________________

so close to being done.

just 2 sets of 2 black intersecting lines.

i completed lightbulbs too. 4 more painted to add to the existing 4. i have 8 left to paint.

 

to do:

MAP

NECKLACE

QUILT? PILLOWS?

CLOTHES!

VELLUM CHANDIE

so much morrreeeee and so little time offffffff

thats deep..

first impressions aren't always right

you must have faith in people

you must have faith in yourself

erase






replace

the hardest pill to swallow is always the one you have to.

I packed all my paints up, but left my charcoal pencils and watercolor pad to have fun with tonight..

\

then i unpacked some paints.. i love paint. #@(!?@#(*@?!@@$

work in progress. but i dont hate it... i dont love it either.. 

editing is needed here:
after receiving much welcomed and surprising feedback, i revisited what i had wrote last night and realized that what i was thinking when i was writing, is not even close to what comes across in the words of that blog. i normally wouldn't mind so much, everything is up for interpretation, but i do mind here, so i need to clarify...


[I feel alone, alone in a black room, black walls, black floor, black door, no windows. The feeling of helplessness is in full swing. Searching for the colorful, bright, inspiring decor that once was. I remain confused as to why I cannot find it. Knowing it's there, underneath the surface, wishing it would just appear, break out, show itself once again.

..for now I wait, wait for those colors that once inspired me to a degree I never knew was possible, wait for it to reappear or for the light that still stands to finally flicker out, for good.]

this little ditty, is not about me, personally.. it is about events and people who i am no longer interested in, things that once held such inspiration, belief, hope  that have now lost it.  it is about me longing for the bright colors that once showed, the colors that have now faded to black. I long for that inspiration again, i enjoyed it, watching it spread to others, watching it grow so tall, i long for it once more and i fear that it will flicker out, for that is what i see happening and what i want to avoid happening.

and yes i am homesick, and for good reason. but that is not holding me down in any way. Its just the name i gave to the feelings ive been feeling the past few days. silly labels.. always get in the way.

and just like glass.. i see through you..

I feel alone, alone in a black room, black walls, black floor, black door, no windows. The feeling of helplessness is in full swing. Searching for the colorful, bright, inspiring decor that once was. I remain confused as to why I cannot find it. Knowing it's there, underneath the surface, wishing it would just appear, break out, show itself once again.

..for now I wait, wait for those colors that once inspired me to a degree I never knew was possible, wait for it to reappear or for the light that still stands to finally flicker out, for good.

I am never content, never settled. I am always moving, changing, morphing, marinating, observing.

I long to be home, safe, secure. With familiarity. With family, friends... who've got my back. I am homesick, feeling it in its fullest. This is the worst kind though the kind where nothing can make it better expect the embraces that will soon be had.

a horrible picture of my latest love.

only 1/2 done

the other have is still in comic book form,

can't wait to finish it! but it will have to wait at least 4 days..  until im home =)

in this moment..

..i am missing you so.

some of the best things are thought..

..while sitting alone in a ghetto of philadelphia for and hour and a half waiting for a bus to carry you away.

Happiness hit her like a train on a track.

I'm six feet under in rock solid memory.
About to let it settle in, soak into the empty spots that still remain.
I can only hope that it's gentle, for I cannot take a hard hit right now.

I long, I long for what I know.
What no one else knows.
And I feel, more than ever, that I'm not alone.

you should not judge yourself for what you went through
just for what you got out of it.

scribbles..late night jots..read with caution..

its funny how in this moment, a moment where I am the most mentally exhausted I have been in a long time, and I think about the place I wanted oh so badly to be in right now, the environment I was yearning to be apart of, and I think to myself.. WHY? why the hell was it so important to me, it has surely passed through my mind, and now I cannot remember what made it so inciting. the words were spoked, the words i needed to hear to finally be done, to finally be over it, to realize the worth, or lack there of. one moment, one moment for me to step back and see so clearly what i needed. a moment where i spoke words i had been wanting to speak, and words that i immediately wanted to take back, because the second after i spoke them.. they became lies. it just took a few seconds for me to realized it would be different from that moment on.

I took a moment to look at the wooden table before me, covered with papers, numbers, calculator, computers, pencils.. and i think, yes, this is where i belong, am i obsessed with what i am doing right at that very moment?.. no, but it will get to me to a place that I am obsessed with, it will better me as a person, intellectually, mentally, physically.. I feel fulfilled...and i wonder, what do others do to be fulfilled, because I am an observer, a silent onlooker, always making mental notes, always seeing things i probably shouldn't see, and i don't often see a lot of fulfillment going on.. on the everyday basis at least. so i guess my wonder is what i dont see, is there something there that theyre doing.. and what is it?! I want to know, i need to know.. it inspires me... but a lot of the time it is disappointing.. because you realize there is nothing there, and that those people aren't giving themselves full credit for what they can do. why down play yourself.. why? not in this world.. the world of endless possibilities.. the world of peter pan "never say never"

all i know is today was tedious, i am so tired, but i feel accomplished, fulfilled, and so much gratefulness for the newness in my life, the new ideas, thoughts, visions, PEOPLE, places, things.. they are bringing me to an even better place than i was..

thats something i always know.. that things could be better.. it never fails to be proven to me..
although things were AMAZING and then AWFUL they are now EVEN MORE AMAZING.. and this time.. for the first time.. i didn't think things could get any better, but they did, I did, I am better now, a better person in so many ways. so much more grateful in so many ways i never thought possible. I cannot forget my experiences and the reasons i went through them. from the black bottomless hole i was in, to now the happiest brightest best place ever, things just keep getting better. I HAVE WHAT I NEED. i always say that i always want to be afraid, and i was the most afraid i could ever be, because it was myself i was scared of, not another person, MYSELF, my uncontrollable self, that will never leave my mind, much like other visions and words that keep me focused and aware.

bed has never looked so good right now, and I am glad to be back in a moment where i love going to sleep, to let everything settle in my heard, recharge for another endless day, i hated the moments when i feared nighttime, sleep, i feared myself. oh god, i just cant stop thinking about those days now. they got better, things always do, yes, sometimes they need to get worse first.. but they ALWAYS get better.

i love my family, my friends..new, old, inbetween. you have gotten me to where i belong. a place i didnt believe in a couple months ago.. i am at peace with myself.. everything is.. in its right place =)

MORE: scribbles taken from a late night journal entry.

I know who I love, I know who I need, I know who I want. 

I know what I love, I know what I need, I know what I want.

I have who I love, I have who I need, I have who I want.

I do what I love, I do what I need, I do what I want.

accounting hasn't even started yet.. but i can already tell its going to be SO MUCH FUN.

2 weeks to go! =)

independence:
the fact or state of being independent
independent: 
1 free from outside control; not depending on another's authority 
2 not depending on another for livelihood or subsistence
3 not connected with another or with each other; separate


how is one independent? now that I am.. "independent" i am still very so dependent on factors in my life to give me that "independence"


..it really is just a shift from what you're dependent on, there should be no shame in dependancey. in fact, most people pride themselves on being dependable. So if it is a treasure of a characteristic then why be so ashamed to depend on a dependable person or thing?




and alas, one of my favorite quotes, from one of my favorite movies....
"This is just a bit of silliness, really"

in progress...

book status:
library card - check
book on hold at library - check

movie status:
3 new movies checked out from library for the week - check

curiosity and appreciated at an all time high. - check!

Aspirations: 


-getting into galleries & flea markets in philadelphia
-starting AND FINISHING as many paintings/art projects as possible in my last 4 weeks
-starting AND FINISHING this new book I am so intrigued by
-continuing my running loop/track/weight workouts
-keep applying to as many freelance/ whatever jobs/internships I randomly find
-watch as many movies on the never ending of "amazing movies I've never seen" list - starting with some oldies =)
-continue to browse the "free books" bin at local library branch
-minimize the distance that stands between me and those that have hugely affected my life, by making the calls, emails,    texts that will keep us close
-continue to be aware, and thankful, for all of my blessings.. I realize new ones everyday, and I couldn't feel luckier
-keep observing silently, never stop being curious


Hopes:


-to make sure I put my health first, and my well being first, to look at things from the outside
-to not be taken over or overwhelmed
-to not lose what I have built for myself over years of loss, love and exploration and to keep building it, by myself, for myself.

is everything really ever in its right place?

i feel like it is, then i walk a block  & turn a corner (in my head) and bam, realizations hit that i am moving on from a point that i feel so deeply is not right at all. so how can everything be in its right place if the base is not right. i hope time will cure this. i guess i needded these past 15 minutes, i allowed myself to have them, their over, now time to sleep and wake to a new day, a new day to put towards having a "right" base.

random moments on random days ill have compelling moments, thoughts, experiences, conversations, ect. that I'll want to write about or dig deeper into or just create into artwork. i know that i need to wait until bed time to compile everything and write away or think away. lately that time has been all too short. for good reason, I've been so busy, have way way way too much fun, like unhealthy amounts of fun, which is so nice, everything feels in its right place and I'm so thankful for the amazing times I've been having these past 4 weeks, I am at a very different place than I was at 4 weeks ago. and am so proud of my strength, courage and growth, "why go through something if you're not going to feel every part of it"

i have so many aspirations right now, i will dig deep into that list tomorrow..

New Beginnings..

Happy 22 to me.
this birthday was so beautiful. filled with family and friends, old and new.


This past week was filled with so any metaphors for the journey I am currently on. Spontaneous adventures, fresh ideas, new creations. It all ended so perfectly as I toasted with a total stranger and a best friend to our "new beginnings" and strolled the streets of Philly with my two best girls. Moments like these are so rare and we have learned to cherish every last drop of them. As much as we reminisce about being 17 again, we know that those days will only get farther away, and it is our job to lead ourselves on the paths we want and deserve to be on. I am so proud of the women we have become, and the great friends we remain, our bond goes deeper.. it travels through life and death, to the moon and back.

Shutter Island - at any moment you could pause the screen and have a beautiful photograph. that, that is something that is so underachieved by filmmakers I feel. Mr. Scorsese got is so so right. The aesthetics of this film were out of control. There is one scene in particular that I will be searching and searching for prints of. The shocking reds and yellows, the ashes in the air, the embrace and the contrasting walls. I could have stared at it for hours. It is so true that horrible things have their own kind of beauty. Of course the story that was told was shocking and provoking in its twists and turns, but I couldn't help but focus on the visual journey I was brought on. Strange that I watched Alice in Wonderland as well this week, but wasn't compelled by it like I "should" have been. I love being surprised by things...people...myself.

so much photography, painting, art on the way. so excited for it.

FINISHED!

you turned my world right side up.

I have felt so unsettled the last three nights before bed. this is a new revelation. i have been feeling so good, so fulfilled with my days and ready for bed when it came time. this week i have filled each day with lovely things, even better things than the past weeks. so why is it im feeling unsettled and anxious about sleep? i hope this will pass soon.

i have an amazing birthday weekend ahead of me. i need to be well rested!!! =)

i cant sleep.
the last two nights.

there's this one night stuck in my head.
i don't even know how it got there.
so pure, sporadic, comfortable.
it won't go away.
and i'd be a liar if i said i wanted it to.

humph, i suppose i'll hope for sleep tomorrow night.

How I spent Memorial Day.

Thank you to all who served, are serving or are going to serve <3.

I nestled into a nice spot in Fairmount Park along the Schuylkill River. 

and enjoyed a blank canvas and my wonderful easel =)

im going to re-work the top half...but this is it right now..

inspired by:

"Reign on Vegas"

I also got to kill some time inside Anthro...

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

these flowers are on my to-do list. I picked up a free book at the library today, (there was a whole box of them, i don't know why i didn't take the whole thing!),  called "The beauty of Weapons" it's filled with poems from 1972 to 1982. Cant wait to dive into it and pick some moving words to use in whatever piece I make!

^^^^^^^^^^^^

fountains in the city, its going to be a beautiful summer.

I am loving having myself back.

Thank you to those didn't just hear me, those who listened

and know me well enough to know something was serious.

Who let me tell unsettling things to without judgement or disappointment.

I know they were not the easiest things to hear,

and they were not the easiest things to say,

but letting them out released so much fear, confusion and angst. 

I am the luckiest person to have such great, loyal people in my life.

Although Im not 100% myself yet, I'm getting close.

Slowly but Surely.

keep digging..

i can't rely on my mind.
it is too far gone.
new things become clear daily.
my mind is tired and overworked.
i have spread the responsibility.

i rely solely on my:
eyes to see
hands to feel
heart to know

these are observations, free of words, spoken words. no hearing or listening involved. just silent observations.

i have seen
i have felt
i have known
and still know.

take time to shut your eyes

so you can see beyond

what you can see.

why

did

i

just

do

that

to

myself

?

idiot.

that was probably the stupidest thing i could have done.

im   so   angry.
SO  ANGRY.

the truth hurts.

“Scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue. Realize the strength, move on.”

Henry Rollins

 one more thing i forgot to mention... this wasn't written frantically in my journal but just came to me while reading a text and feeling so much love...


its okay...


                  ...to cry.


                  ...and cry


                    ...and cry.


someone once said this to me, when i was dealing with the loss of someone very special to my life, and although i don't talk to this person anymore, not for any reason, just because life takes you in different directions, it is still one of the best things i've ever been told, and i always appreciate that it came from someone so unexpected...

"what's the point of going through something if you're not going to feel every part of it."

 ...that is the reason why i never hold back tears.

scribbles taken from a late night journal entry.

Its nice..

..to know when youre wrong about something..

an idea
a person
a thought
a question
a need
a want
a moment

..to lose pride and admit when you were wrong, to do what they tell you to do, to rely on something you dont want to rely on but have to rely on.


..to have to be dependent when you want to be independent.

..to be okay with the fact that everyone has an opinion, and that only very few will be in line with reality.

..to know and i mean really know who you can count on.

                        ..yourself.
                        ..your mom.

i have passed through, am still passing through, the darkest point of my life thus far...which is strange because it is also the brightest.

..to know when you need to let go of embarrassment, frustration and confusion and to just let someone listen to you.

..to be able to say the things that you think, the things that no one else should know about, the things that scare you to death, the things that are uncontrollably going through your mind.

                      ..because that really is why I'm still here.

..to be thankful for love, loss and laughter.

I like to be afraid, but not how i was in recent days passed, that kind of afraid was an out of body experience, one that i hope to never revisit. thoughts that i hope to never let pass through my mind again. visions that i hope to never imagine again.

..to realize when things are serious.

..to have a new found understanding for people that I've always been fascinated by and judgmental of.

..to be okay. to feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

..to trust a stranger.

..to squeeze the lemon dry.

..to secretly wish for something more.

..to burn the white flag.

..to explore alone.

..to find again your love of being alone.

..to not meet a built up expectation..and to be okay with it, because an expectation is as good as an assumption.

..to have fallen in love, in 10 minutes, with the married coffee shop man..annnnd the parisian crepe man. (who will forever have my heart.)

..to be 21, almost 22, and go to bed at 10.

..to choose to take summer classes, to work your brain dry and to not think twice about doing it because of all the fun things your missing out on.

..to feel fulfilled at the end of each and every day. <3

And that's just the tip of the iceberg
I'll do whatever it takes...

life is too short to take time between journeys, so i cannot be mad that my new one is happening so quickly.

I fell asleep last night with this lyric in my head..

And laugh out loud as I'm beaming from ear to ear
I'd rather pick flowers instead of fights

I have 7 days before me.. I am going to fill them with the most love and laughter that I possibly can.

Recent Adventures

Kayaking on the Charles =)

Kind people who leave water for those parched kayakers! 

Julie and I took out a double kayak this time.

Some fun animals in the woods. Oh and and Indian too!

BOSTON ADVENTURES WITH EMILY!

Food First..

Tonight we went to a Crepiere in Coolidge Corner...

SO SO SO SO SO GOOD!

Then walked Newbury, up to Park street, over to Faneuil Hall

and down to Hanover St/North End...which brings us to..

MIKES PASTRY!

Raspberry Bowtie.. Yum!

Canoli.. YUM YUMMMMM

PREPARE FOR AN AMAZING WINDOW DISPLAY...

BEAUTIFUL MACHINES!!! =)

awesome lighting inside.. i want this in my studio.