its funny how in this moment, a moment where I am the most mentally exhausted I have been in a long time, and I think about the place I wanted oh so badly to be in right now, the environment I was yearning to be apart of, and I think to myself.. WHY? why the hell was it so important to me, it has surely passed through my mind, and now I cannot remember what made it so inciting. the words were spoked, the words i needed to hear to finally be done, to finally be over it, to realize the worth, or lack there of. one moment, one moment for me to step back and see so clearly what i needed. a moment where i spoke words i had been wanting to speak, and words that i immediately wanted to take back, because the second after i spoke them.. they became lies. it just took a few seconds for me to realized it would be different from that moment on.
I took a moment to look at the wooden table before me, covered with papers, numbers, calculator, computers, pencils.. and i think, yes, this is where i belong, am i obsessed with what i am doing right at that very moment?.. no, but it will get to me to a place that I am obsessed with, it will better me as a person, intellectually, mentally, physically.. I feel fulfilled...and i wonder, what do others do to be fulfilled, because I am an observer, a silent onlooker, always making mental notes, always seeing things i probably shouldn't see, and i don't often see a lot of fulfillment going on.. on the everyday basis at least. so i guess my wonder is what i dont see, is there something there that theyre doing.. and what is it?! I want to know, i need to know.. it inspires me... but a lot of the time it is disappointing.. because you realize there is nothing there, and that those people aren't giving themselves full credit for what they can do. why down play yourself.. why? not in this world.. the world of endless possibilities.. the world of peter pan "never say never"
all i know is today was tedious, i am so tired, but i feel accomplished, fulfilled, and so much gratefulness for the newness in my life, the new ideas, thoughts, visions, PEOPLE, places, things.. they are bringing me to an even better place than i was..
thats something i always know.. that things could be better.. it never fails to be proven to me..
although things were AMAZING and then AWFUL they are now EVEN MORE AMAZING.. and this time.. for the first time.. i didn't think things could get any better, but they did, I did, I am better now, a better person in so many ways. so much more grateful in so many ways i never thought possible. I cannot forget my experiences and the reasons i went through them. from the black bottomless hole i was in, to now the happiest brightest best place ever, things just keep getting better. I HAVE WHAT I NEED. i always say that i always want to be afraid, and i was the most afraid i could ever be, because it was myself i was scared of, not another person, MYSELF, my uncontrollable self, that will never leave my mind, much like other visions and words that keep me focused and aware.
bed has never looked so good right now, and I am glad to be back in a moment where i love going to sleep, to let everything settle in my heard, recharge for another endless day, i hated the moments when i feared nighttime, sleep, i feared myself. oh god, i just cant stop thinking about those days now. they got better, things always do, yes, sometimes they need to get worse first.. but they ALWAYS get better.
i love my family, my friends..new, old, inbetween. you have gotten me to where i belong. a place i didnt believe in a couple months ago.. i am at peace with myself.. everything is.. in its right place =)
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