keep digging..

i can't rely on my mind.
it is too far gone.
new things become clear daily.
my mind is tired and overworked.
i have spread the responsibility.

i rely solely on my:
eyes to see
hands to feel
heart to know

these are observations, free of words, spoken words. no hearing or listening involved. just silent observations.

i have seen
i have felt
i have known
and still know.

take time to shut your eyes

so you can see beyond

what you can see.

why

did

i

just

do

that

to

myself

?

idiot.

that was probably the stupidest thing i could have done.

im   so   angry.
SO  ANGRY.

the truth hurts.

“Scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue. Realize the strength, move on.”

Henry Rollins

 one more thing i forgot to mention... this wasn't written frantically in my journal but just came to me while reading a text and feeling so much love...


its okay...


                  ...to cry.


                  ...and cry


                    ...and cry.


someone once said this to me, when i was dealing with the loss of someone very special to my life, and although i don't talk to this person anymore, not for any reason, just because life takes you in different directions, it is still one of the best things i've ever been told, and i always appreciate that it came from someone so unexpected...

"what's the point of going through something if you're not going to feel every part of it."

 ...that is the reason why i never hold back tears.

scribbles taken from a late night journal entry.

Its nice..

..to know when youre wrong about something..

an idea
a person
a thought
a question
a need
a want
a moment

..to lose pride and admit when you were wrong, to do what they tell you to do, to rely on something you dont want to rely on but have to rely on.


..to have to be dependent when you want to be independent.

..to be okay with the fact that everyone has an opinion, and that only very few will be in line with reality.

..to know and i mean really know who you can count on.

                        ..yourself.
                        ..your mom.

i have passed through, am still passing through, the darkest point of my life thus far...which is strange because it is also the brightest.

..to know when you need to let go of embarrassment, frustration and confusion and to just let someone listen to you.

..to be able to say the things that you think, the things that no one else should know about, the things that scare you to death, the things that are uncontrollably going through your mind.

                      ..because that really is why I'm still here.

..to be thankful for love, loss and laughter.

I like to be afraid, but not how i was in recent days passed, that kind of afraid was an out of body experience, one that i hope to never revisit. thoughts that i hope to never let pass through my mind again. visions that i hope to never imagine again.

..to realize when things are serious.

..to have a new found understanding for people that I've always been fascinated by and judgmental of.

..to be okay. to feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

..to trust a stranger.

..to squeeze the lemon dry.

..to secretly wish for something more.

..to burn the white flag.

..to explore alone.

..to find again your love of being alone.

..to not meet a built up expectation..and to be okay with it, because an expectation is as good as an assumption.

..to have fallen in love, in 10 minutes, with the married coffee shop man..annnnd the parisian crepe man. (who will forever have my heart.)

..to be 21, almost 22, and go to bed at 10.

..to choose to take summer classes, to work your brain dry and to not think twice about doing it because of all the fun things your missing out on.

..to feel fulfilled at the end of each and every day. <3